Defeating Self-Doubt

Can you recall a time when you weren’t limited by fear?

Was it fear of failure?

Fear of rejection?

Or, gasp fear of humiliation?

If you’re anything like the vast majority of your human peers, the last time you felt confident enough in virtually ANY situation dates back to your preschool years.

Ah yes, that glorious time when every new attempt was celebrated, and you were frequently reminded of how “cute”, “creative” and “clever” you were. As a small child it’s unlikely that you agonized over the potential consequences of your decisions because nothing you said or did required filtering, let alone relentless second-guessing.

But then one day, without warning, things changed…

An insidious little trait called self-doubt crept in and made itself right at home in your mind. It’s a trait most of us learned from the people closest to us, such as family members and teachers, as well as through personal experience.

During our formative years, which began at infancy and lasted until the age of eight, our minds were malleable and therefore easily molded by the words and examples they were exposed to.

Put simply, once preschool ended and the elementary school years began, expectations were placed on us, and margins for error formed as a result. This means that the chances once taken (and celebrated) suddenly came with consequences, either positive or negative.

We also learned that certain actions and decisions would result in reactions, and the natural tendency was then to strive for the positive results and avoid negative ones at all cost.

As the theory of psychological hedonism explains, we’re wired to pursue pleasure and avoid pain.

However, this isn’t reserved exclusively for hedonistic motivations. Often “pleasure” could be found in something as simple as the approval of our caretakers, teachers, loved ones, and later even our bosses. Likewise, “pain” could be experienced when our words and deeds were disapproved of by these same people.

These experiences, though varied, all form a psychological chain-link that solidifies over time, especially as personal disappointments accumulate.

It’s also important to keep in mind that in order to avoid pain, the human mind will begin to catastrophize as a form of preparation for potential conflict. In other words, self-doubt has become a misguided survival mechanism for most of us.

Now that this loaded context is out of the way, let’s now address what you came for: solutions.

Learn to Befriend Your Self-Doubt

“Whaaat?” I can already hear you saying to yourself. “You’re supposed to be giving me pointers on how to defeat this beast, not rolling out the “welcome” mat for it! Bye.” Before you angrily click off, just take a moment to let this idea sink in.

Remember, self-doubt exists to protect you from negative experiences. The problem is that the fears and doubts often come from our subconscious, so this part of the brain isn’t equipped to understand that its efforts to save us from failure, hurt and humiliation can often be a hindrance.

Luckily, your conscious mind IS capable of making these important distinctions. Once you’re aware of this, it’s much easier to identify a limiting thought, especially in more stressful situations, such as a presentation, a job interview, or a first date.

Doubting yourself in these situations can lead to catastrophizing, but once you realize that your mind has conjured up worse-case scenarios, try this: say “Thank you for having my back, but I’ve got this.”

The next time you feel anxiety’s heat wash over you, stop, take a few measured deep breaths, and try to see your worries as a separate, well-meaning individual who’s a little overprotective

With practice, your subconscious will gradually learn to stop making mountains of molehills, and those limiting beliefs will loosen the grip they once had on you.

Look Deep Within Yourself

You don’t need to be a philosophy major to recognize some of Socrates’ most memorable quotes, and here are two that are worth committing to memory: “Know thyself” and “An unexamined life is not worth living”.

Knowing your strengths, as well as your weaknesses, is how you evolve into the person you’re meant to become. Of course, if it were that easy then everyone would do it and self-doubt would cease to exist, but clearly most of us haven’t reached that stage…yet.

Facing our shortcomings and limitations head on is daunting, but guess what happens when we refuse to do so? They fester and burrow themselves deeper into our subconscious, which, you now know is where the problems have the most power.

By taking a little time to observe your self-doubt will lead to questions as well as moments of realization.

For example, say you’ve been wanting a promotion, but you’ve repeatedly held off on asking for it. This would be a perfect opportunity to ask yourself why. Your mind will first race to the most obvious answer, such as, “I’m afraid my boss will say ‘no’.”

This may stem from fear of failure or fear of rejection, both of which likely have their own origin story. You can then delve deeper to uncover the precise route of your concerns, which will likely lead to the realization that a few unpleasant events from your past have placed stumbling blocks ahead of your future decisions.

In other words, you’ve given your fears WAY too much credit!

Once you have a sense of your worst concerns, you can then move on to your next step. In this situation, it might be to form a list of reasons why you think you ARE qualified for the new position, write down what you would contribute, and then to form questions for your boss in order to find out what they’re seeking from someone in this position.

By exploring your limiting beliefs, you’re able to see them more clearly, dismantle them, and then pivot so that YOU are now the one in control instead of your fears.

No matter your situation, or setback, questions lead to clarity and ultimately empowerment, so don’t be afraid to examine your limiting beliefs.

Find Your “Healthy Disruption”

One of the main reasons why people have difficulty moving beyond their limiting beliefs is because they’ve become part of a habit of thinking.

Let me say that again: self-doubt and limiting thoughts are the result of habit. According to Healthline, it takes an average of 66 days to form a new habit. Let that sink in for a moment, then consider how many days you’ve spent quietly telling yourself that your biggest dreams aren’t attainable because you aren’t ________ enough.

Once you’ve taken some time getting familiar with your self-doubt, you can then disrupt the pattern of negative thinking by taking a proactive approach. Here are recommendations to get you started:

• Journaling: Pouring your thoughts and feelings from pen to paper can have a remarkable way of bringing you both clarity and peace of mind. Many of our personal setbacks remain stuck because they’re undefined, but if you start writing, either freestyle, in point-form, or in ANY manner that feels right to you, you’ll be surprised by what you come up with. Let the ink flow and see what your mind starts to reveal about your perceived limitations.

• Going to therapy: This one is a tad controversial because there is still, unfortunately, a degree of stigma that comes with seeking professional help. Let’s nip that in the bud right now, shall we? If you’re not expected to know what physical ailments you have without the help of a doctor, then why should psychological and emotional ailments be any different? Don’t be afraid to invest in your well-being, especially if it means an objective professional can help you work through your limitations. Heck, even a tough guy like Tony Soprano needed a bit of help, so why wouldn’t anyone else?

• Talking with friends and/or family: If therapy isn’t an option for you, then look at confiding in someone you trust, such as a friend or relative. The benefit is this person will know you better and thus be able to see strengths in you that you might not be aware of. Of course, they may be biased in your favour, but that’s not alway a bad thing. Keep in mind that the person you speak to should be trustworthy, kind, caring of your well-being, and capable of being impartial (at least somewhat).

• Adopting new hobbies: Occupying your mind with something that takes your attention OFF your worries has a number of benefits. This isn’t an invitation to bury your head in the sand, but rather to help your mind – and body – relax when self-doubt gnaws at you. Whether it’s exercising or exploring your creative side, you’ll give your mind a chance to “pivot” away from a negative habit of thought. Better yet, having a new (and enjoyable) task to accomplish will remind you that you DO have strengths, and that positive reinforcement will be a direct challenge to your limiting beliefs. How’s that for a win-win?

Self-doubt is a natural part of the human experience.While none of us will ever be 100% free from it, there are steps we can take to limit the control it has in our life.

You don’t need to follow them in any order; instead, try them as and when needed, and remember to be gentle with yourself. You’ve probably had years of limiting thought patterns, so forming positive ones will take a bit of time.

Just as kids eventually learn that the Boogie Man under their bed is a figment of the imagination, adults also can learn that their limiting beliefs are just ‘monsters’ buried in the mind. With patience, reflection, and new habits, your self-doubt will have much less control over you and in its place you're likely to find the confidence that’s been waiting to be claimed.